“Eve was given to this world as the incarnation of a beautiful captivating God–a life-offering, life-saving lover, a relational specialist, full of tender mercy and hope. Yes, she brought a strength to the world, but not a striving, sharp-edged strength. She was inviting alluring captivating.” (pg. 44, Captivating)

I have been re-reading parts of the book “Captivating” by John and Stasi Eldredge and it has brought to my attention some thoughts concerning my question… well… every women’s question. In reading about my question it has caused me to rethink the answer to that question. I have been forced into honesty. When I had read it prior I glossed over the question assuming that I had been given the correct answer from the correct person.

“Most women doubt that they have any genuine beauty to unveil. It is, in fact, our deepest doubt.” (pg. 45, Captivating) I am no different.

The question is…Am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want to see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me?

For soooo long I have claimed that my question(s) was answered with a resounding yes… but was it really? If so, then why do I carry so many wounds that would lend themselves to someone who had heard the opposite? I think I have known in my head it was a yes, but in my heart I have never believed it. I have never claimed it as truth for myself. I have lived in a way that only exposes the parts of myself that I am sure people want to see, because I am afraid of being seen… I am afraid that I will expose something ugly and I will hear a “no”. Who really knows me? Do you? Do many women really have relationships that are deep and worthwhile? Most women I know are unwilling to expose themselves for fear that they will hear a “no” in response to the question. 

“Little girls need the tender strength of their fathers. They need to know that their daddies are strong and will protect them; they need to know that they fathers are for them. Above all, a little girl learns the answer to her Question from her father. Remember twirling skirts? We twirled in front of our daddies. We wanted to know, ‘Daddy am I lovely? Am I captivating?’ From them, we learn that we are delighted in, that we are special… or that we are not.” (pg. 62, Captivating)

As with boys, girls need to have their question answered by their father. Men who become fathers have a unique obligation to relfect the character of The Father in the lives of their children. So many men fail at this. In fact I would say most men fail at times. My father was no different.

I remember tender moments. I remember smiles. I remember I love yous. I remember hugs. I remember my Dad being their to watch me do “stuff”. I remember my Dad telling other people about how wonderful his daughter’s voice was. But…I can’t remember him telling me that I was lovely, that I am worthwhile, that I am captivating (not in any form or phrasing of the words).  I can’t remember. I want to. But I am not sure that it was ever spoken. I think he thought those things… but I don’t know.

What I do remember is my mother saying all of those things and telling me my father thought them. I remember her explaining to me that my dad wasn’t very “good at communicating”. I remember her saying that he never even told his sister’s that he loved them until after he married my Mom. Even now I know that my mother would/will fight to convince me that my father found me “lovely”. The problem is that I will never know because he will never tell me. That is the most grievous thing about his death… I’ll never know.

What I do know is that Christ is the answer to all of my questions… to all of my wounds. He is the Great Healer. He is the Author of all relationships. He is the Perfector of my faith.

My faith has been lacking. I have not trusted that my Creator’s creations are always perfect. I have neglected to value the reflection of the Divine that is within me. May I be refined and made complete as a I grapple with my question and trust in the answers that my Father gives me.

I know that my Dad loved me… I love(d) him. I have some wonderful memories of him. But he was human. His father, whom I never met, probably did not have an open relationship with him. In fact, he died when my father was still a teenager… in the same way that my Dad died when I was a teenager. I’m sure my Dad spent his life only revealing parts of himself for fear that his question would be answered with a “no”. I am sure this is a pattern that goes back for generations… generations without fathers who said “yes, you have what it takes” and “yes, you are lovely.”

Even just a moment ago I typed that the cycle stops with me, but the truth is that I don’t have the ability to stop it. Just as my mother could not answer my question, neither can I for my children. I am not their father.

However… my children will hear a resounding YES! They will know it in their hearts, because I married a man who understands the father blessing. He is passionate about communicating the “yes” to our children.

Ryan says to our son every day “you are my son in whom I am well pleased”. He has not missed a day in our son’s seven month existence.

I am thankful for a husband who desires to give our children a foundation and understanding of themselves that is based on truth and not muddied by wounds caused by unanswered questions.